phase 1 was pretty obvious. i'm sure phase 3 will be, as well. what's phase 2? just like the underpants gnomes, i have no idea.

i'm not sure if i'm in denial or awe of what's going on. these days, i just kind of move in and out of various states of.. being.

i'm obviously depressed. my eating habits have changed, my sleeping patterns have changed, i'm moody, i'm exhausted, i'm achey. i expected all this. i've been through it before. what i did not expect, was the anxiety attack i had on friday. i'm not even sure if it was an anxiety attack. it was a meltdown of some sort, and i did not see it coming. ever since then, things have felt a little different. i'm empty, or i'm numb, or i just don't care anymore. maybe it was the sudden onset of summer. maybe, after 25 years of living in the desert, i finally cooked my brain.

now, as i drive through the streets of this shitty city, i find myself paying less attention to the traffic, and more attention to the individual faces of my fellow drivers. where are they going? are they worried about the same things i am? do they have someone at home, eagerly awaiting their arrival? i assume they all have problems worse than mine. i assume they are all sad, like me.

in other news, i went to a funeral home today. i had to pick up my grandpa's ashes. i don't know if you've ever been in an administrative office of a funeral home, but it smelled like a veterinarian's office. it was strange, and i did not like it. i may have more to say on this experience at a later date. stay tuned.

# posted by aja @ 9:45 PM