I ate half a pb&j. What a horrible error. My appetite is all over the place these days. Sometimes, I think I eat like a normal person. Other times, I'll go without food for too long, and I'll feel my body yelling at me to eat, but the thought of food makes me want to vomit. So, I seek out something boring and inoffensive. Like Ritz crackers or cottage cheese. Then there are days like today, where I feel like I've had a pretty good food-day... but about 20 minutes before I should be asleep, I suddenly have a strong and frantic desire to eat. So, I do something stupid like eat a half-sized pb&j and a small glass of milk. Then I get a stomach ache, and then I can't go to sleep.

My issues with food go back many years. I go through weird food-aversion phases. One summer, every time I ate something other than breakfast cereal, I got sick. I'm sure *something* was going on that summer that fucked with my head, but I couldn't tell you what it was. I am pretty sure the Wellbutrin is contributing to my loss of appetite, but I was dealing with that already. That was one of the reasons I went to the damn doctor. "Every time I eat, I feel sick."

I am up too late. I have so much I want to say, but no idea how to say it. I'm not sad anymore. And no, this isn't because I've been on Wellbutrin for 6 days. I wasn't really sad anymore a week ago either.. just fucked up. I don't miss him anymore. I'm just struggling with the change of it all. I spent six years being somebody's girlfriend. Now I'm on my own, the world is my oyster, and I have no idea who I am or what I want to do. Okay, that's not entirely true. Right now, I want to drink a beer and smoke a cigarette. I know that much.

But, I can't. My stomach hurts, and I need to go to bed.

Audio: Primal Scream - Keep Your Dreams

# posted by aja @ 12:27 AM

i went to the doctor today. to get my thyroid checked. she was very thorough and asked me a million questions, and got me to bring up some things like my erratic sleeping, erratic behavior, stomach problems, anxiety, nightmares. what have you.

i walked out of there with a prescription for sleeping pills and wellbutrin. i have been diagnosed with insomnia. i told her, "no, i can sleep. just not when i'm supposed to, and not when the nightmares wake me up." she said "yeah, that is insomnia. brought on by your depression and your anxiety." me: "oh."

at first, i thought she was wrong, because i have been GETTING BETTER. but, tonight, i think i've realized that my feelings of "getting better" were actually weirdo late night sorta manic episodes. mind racing, not sitting still. of course, these brief moments are often followed by an irrational fear of my bedroom.. and sleep in general. i assumed because i WASN'T sleeping all the time, i was okay. it seems, i need to find a balance. or just move. because i slept FINE in tucson. of course, the beer might have helped in that case.

i haven't been talking about most of this shit with people until today. i guess because a woman in a jacket told me i was okay and explained things to me. before i kept some of it to myself, because i thought this was just how i was dealing. i'd talk about not sleeping and not eating, and sort of make jokes about it. but in my head, i told myself it was probably something i'd have to deal with eventually. i just didn't think it'd be today. i told people about some of the nightmares, but i'm not sure i told them that the images from the nightmares haunted me during the day, and that the thought of going to sleep made me cry sometimes. :P

also, i've become a bit of a bitch at work. brought on by my lack of sleep and all around feelings of being on edge, i guess.

so, that's that. i'll let you know what happens to me. if anyone out there has ever been on wellbutrin, talk to me. i'm kind of scared of it.

audio: sonic youth - disconnection notice

# posted by aja @ 10:57 PM

I keep having horrible nightmares, and it's really getting old. Last night was the last straw. I won't even begin to try to describe yesterday's sleep disaster right now. Maybe later, after I can take my 3am scribblings and turn them into something that makes sense. Let's just say it involved a dead fetus, a child molester and a waffle in the shape of the star of david. yeah, i know. i'm insane, right?

i don't feel like writing right now. i don't feel like piecing together sentences that make sense. i don't feel like using consistent capitalization.

but, i will say that even though i don't sleep, don't eat right, and can't keep the evil sleep demons away, i am doing SO much better. :P i'm not as mopey, i don't assume that i'm going to die alone, and yes, i realize now how much better off i actually am.

so woo.

audio: the shins - mine's not a high horse

# posted by aja @ 12:48 AM