i went to the doctor today. to get my thyroid checked. she was very thorough and asked me a million questions, and got me to bring up some things like my erratic sleeping, erratic behavior, stomach problems, anxiety, nightmares. what have you.

i walked out of there with a prescription for sleeping pills and wellbutrin. i have been diagnosed with insomnia. i told her, "no, i can sleep. just not when i'm supposed to, and not when the nightmares wake me up." she said "yeah, that is insomnia. brought on by your depression and your anxiety." me: "oh."

at first, i thought she was wrong, because i have been GETTING BETTER. but, tonight, i think i've realized that my feelings of "getting better" were actually weirdo late night sorta manic episodes. mind racing, not sitting still. of course, these brief moments are often followed by an irrational fear of my bedroom.. and sleep in general. i assumed because i WASN'T sleeping all the time, i was okay. it seems, i need to find a balance. or just move. because i slept FINE in tucson. of course, the beer might have helped in that case.

i haven't been talking about most of this shit with people until today. i guess because a woman in a jacket told me i was okay and explained things to me. before i kept some of it to myself, because i thought this was just how i was dealing. i'd talk about not sleeping and not eating, and sort of make jokes about it. but in my head, i told myself it was probably something i'd have to deal with eventually. i just didn't think it'd be today. i told people about some of the nightmares, but i'm not sure i told them that the images from the nightmares haunted me during the day, and that the thought of going to sleep made me cry sometimes. :P

also, i've become a bit of a bitch at work. brought on by my lack of sleep and all around feelings of being on edge, i guess.

so, that's that. i'll let you know what happens to me. if anyone out there has ever been on wellbutrin, talk to me. i'm kind of scared of it.

audio: sonic youth - disconnection notice

# posted by aja @ 10:57 PM