I ate half a pb&j. What a horrible error. My appetite is all over the place these days. Sometimes, I think I eat like a normal person. Other times, I'll go without food for too long, and I'll feel my body yelling at me to eat, but the thought of food makes me want to vomit. So, I seek out something boring and inoffensive. Like Ritz crackers or cottage cheese. Then there are days like today, where I feel like I've had a pretty good food-day... but about 20 minutes before I should be asleep, I suddenly have a strong and frantic desire to eat. So, I do something stupid like eat a half-sized pb&j and a small glass of milk. Then I get a stomach ache, and then I can't go to sleep.

My issues with food go back many years. I go through weird food-aversion phases. One summer, every time I ate something other than breakfast cereal, I got sick. I'm sure *something* was going on that summer that fucked with my head, but I couldn't tell you what it was. I am pretty sure the Wellbutrin is contributing to my loss of appetite, but I was dealing with that already. That was one of the reasons I went to the damn doctor. "Every time I eat, I feel sick."

I am up too late. I have so much I want to say, but no idea how to say it. I'm not sad anymore. And no, this isn't because I've been on Wellbutrin for 6 days. I wasn't really sad anymore a week ago either.. just fucked up. I don't miss him anymore. I'm just struggling with the change of it all. I spent six years being somebody's girlfriend. Now I'm on my own, the world is my oyster, and I have no idea who I am or what I want to do. Okay, that's not entirely true. Right now, I want to drink a beer and smoke a cigarette. I know that much.

But, I can't. My stomach hurts, and I need to go to bed.

Audio: Primal Scream - Keep Your Dreams

# posted by aja @ 12:27 AM