i'm up too late. even for a friday, 4:30 a.m. is too late when you're old like me. i'm watching the colbert report, and considering life's possibilities.

if i am going to do something to change my life, is now the time to do it? i've been putting so many things off for so many years, i'm not sure where to start.

there are a lot of things up in the air right now. a lot of uncertainties. and of course, i don't make any decisions until i absolutely have to. this does not often work in my favor.

i will most likely have to move from my home sooner or later. there's a hole in my bathroom floor and my roof is caving in, so moving is probably not a bad idea. i just hate the idea of packing. and paying rent. and finding an apartment what will accept my 3 cats. i am starting to think that if i have to move, i should move to a whole other city.. in a brand new state. and, oddly enough, this might be possible within the next year. i like this city, but i don't feel like i belong here. i've wanted to move to a cooler climate for as long as i can remember. i also want trees, culture and cooler shit to do. that being said, you'd think moving away would not seem so scary, so impossible.

thinking about my life in the long-term freaks me out. i'll be 26 years old in almost exactly 4 months. it might not seem like a big deal, but it is. i always thought that by 26, i'd have my shit together. i'm starting to think that having my shit together is just not in the cards for me. of course, i also think that having my shit together would be kind of boring.

when i was younger, i always thought that i'd have my first and possibly only kid by the time i was 27. being that i don't want to have a kid until i'm financially stable and in a loving and sane relationship, i'm starting to doubt that i'll ever have kids. maybe that's not in the cards for me, either. i could probably be okay with that.. but i'd have to get a new kitten or puppy every couple of years to make up for it. this will inevitably lead to me becoming the neighborhood cat lady.

i'm talking in circles here. i should go to bed. i have a happy and exciting weekend in store for me. james and tracy are here, yay! it's almost james' birthday, and somehow, this means that i get presents. they are too good to me.

next weekend is the battle of the bands. i'm retardedly excited about this. then, the weekend after that, the browns are coming to yuma, and april and i are going to go see jarhead. i am retardedly excited about that, as well.

the colbert report is over. i'm going to listen to music for a bit, then i'll turn the tv on again and pass out in front of that comforting glow. goodnight.

oh. the light bulb in my table lamp just burned out while i was sitting here. it scared the living shit out of me, and it took me a few seconds to figure out why the room suddenly became dark. living alone kind of sucks sometimes.

audio: stellastarr - my coco

# posted by aja @ 4:56 AM

I have about a thousand half-finished entries. I'll start something and then just sort of give up on it. Maybe it's too angry. Maybe it's too sad. Maybe it sounds too much like poetry. Maybe it's too boring. Maybe it makes me sound like a fifteen-year-old girl. Whatever the reasons, you guys will probably never read them. Although, I have been meaning to try new things lately. Maybe I'll start posting everything I write. Of course, I might lose friends that way. Don't want to creep anyone out or anything.

Anyhow, I finally remembered a dream that wasn't a goddamned nightmare. Allow me to share...

Somehow, I had a cd burner installed in the dashboard of my car. So, Sammy and I decided to drive to Seattle to give Chris a burned copy of some Shins album. Sammy was driving, and I was in charge of burning cds. For whatever reason, he decided to stop at Carl's Jr. and get us some cokes. While he was in the Carl's Jr., I was looking around the neighborhood. There were about 20 kids sitting around, hanging out on the stairs leading to their apartments. I don't know where we were, but it definitely wasn't Yuma. All the kids were listening to some boring and unrecognizable top-40 type music. They were all quietly singing along, but they were obviously not enthusiastic about the song. Then, just as Sammy comes out of the Carl's Jr. with 2 medium cokes, crazy drum & bass music starts playing. All the kids got up and started dancing, and the whole dream briefly became a musical. Sammy and I watched them dance for a few minutes, and got back in the car. Shortly after that, we were in Seattle. We met Chris in a parking garage and gave him the cd. The end.

Yeah, I know. It is a little strange. But trust me, that was the most normal dream I have had in weeks. Of course, it was followed two nights later by another nightmare. I don't remember much, except that I was an African-American woman at a Greyhound bus station. I had a son who looked to be about four years old. We had luggage, and we're running away from something. Suddenly, a man appeared. I can only assume he was the boy's father. He grabbed the boy and tried to take him away. I started screaming and fighting him off, but I failed, and he got the kid and ran. Then, suddenly I wasn't this woman anymore. I was me, and I was at work. I received a ransom note for the boy, and took it to the police, confused as to why I was getting ransom notes. Then I woke up.

If I had all night, I'd keep talking about my dreams. I have an endless supply, and it's getting kind of old. If they could all be fanciful musicals, that'd be one thing. Unfortunately, the majority these days seem to involve violence, molestation, sickness, sadness and death. Oh yeah, and a fetus or two. Seriously.

I've got to get to bed. Wish me luck.

Audio: Beck - Little One

# posted by aja @ 11:54 PM