i'm sitting here in my pajamas, hating everything.

i hate beer. i hate cigarettes. i hate tv, i hate my house, i hate the internet. yes, even the internet.

i was without internet access for a day and a half. i was twitchy, but now that i have it back.. i'm not sure why i cared so much. i'm not going to check my email, because i never do. why not? i don't know. i check my email about as often as i check my snail mail - every 2-3 days. yeah, i know. i suck.

i'm too apathetic to read the news. i currently do not give a shit. and right now, there's nothing you could say to make me give a shit.

i could read blogs. but seriously, why? i read the blogs of people i know. i read the blogs of people i don't know. at the end of the day, i've gained nothing except a little insight on the goings-on of the friends i don't speak to on a regular basis. and why don't i speak to all of my friends on a regular basis? because i'm a horrible person who cares more about myself than anyone else, and i hate the phone.

most people don't believe me when i say i'm a horrible person. they laugh, as if i'm kidding and claim they could never picture me being mean to a soul on this earth. i think this is because they only see my good intentions. i have great intentions. i don't like being mean. i *want* to do nice things for people. i don't like being so angry. all. the. time. but, i just can't seem to help it.

i am full of so much rage, i don't know where to begin. and no, before you even start, it has nothing (okay, verry little) to do with gabe. i was full of rage before gabe. being with him just gave me something on which to focus all my energy.

most of my anger is directed at myself. i've been fucking up since i was 15 years old, and i can't seem to stop. what pisses me off, is how fucking transparent i am. my dad died when i was 15. i started ruining my life when i was 15. big fucking surprise, and big fucking deal. it's no excuse. plenty of people go through plenty of worse things.

so what do you get when you combine a dead (and alcoholic) father, a drug-addicted mother and a slutty sister? me. i have a love/hate relationship with alcohol and a fear of abandonment. if i could, i'd probably eat vicodin like candy, and i have warped ideas about sex.

did i mention how before i started having sex, i didn't let people touch me? hugs were always awkward, and it felt like people were constantly invading my "personal space." also, i always had nightmares about being raped. yeah, well, that problem is creeping back to the surface. the wellbutrin and the sleeping pills have helped with the nightmares, but i could use a little more help during the waking hours. lately, i'm having this obvious issue of being unable to look people in the eye. maybe i secretly hope that if i avoid looking at other people, they will avoid looking at me.

you'd think that because i seem to be fully aware of at least several of my multiple flaws, i could do something to change things. nope, sorry. it seems i'm stuck. i hate my house. i hate this town. i hate my job. do i do anything about it? no, i just sit here and bitch about daily horrors of working with people i hate, my leaky roof and the hole in my floor. i'm getting really tired of explaining why there is what appears to be a wooden plank in my bathroom. of course, i do get a kick out of telling everyone about the night gabe got drunk and fell through the floor. i told him not to walk there, but he never listened to a word i said for six years.

i could blame a lot of things on gabe if i wanted to. he made me fat, he killed my self-esteem, he made stop going to school. he made me stop talking to my friends. but the truth is, i was fucking up long before him, i hated myself long before him. why do you think i would stay with an asshole for so long? i was/am convinced that he was the best i could get. and if he's the best i can get, well, i'd rather be alone until the day i die. this might sound depressing, but really, i see it as a good thing. i'm fucked up, but not fucked up enough to think that boy has or had anything to offer.

do you remember a few weeks ago when i talked about all those blog posts i never published? well, this is a fine example. however, this time i'm going to publish it because i've had a few beers and couldn't care less about anyone or anything.

i have a lot more to say. but i think this has been enough disgusting and pathetic honesty for one tuesday night.

now, i just have one question.. where the fuck did i get this bottle opener in the shape of a pineapple? if it belongs to you, let me know. you can have it back.

audio: modest mouse - dark center of the universe

# posted by aja @ 9:34 PM