April will know. :P

OKAY. So, I was thinking I'd try to post when I was not in a horrible mood. This is hard, because when I sit down to blog, I sit down to THINK. And we all know what happens when I do that.

But, I can fend off the bitterness for a few paragraphs by talking about my new action figure. Yes, I have an action figure. A JAYNE action figure. April gave it to me, and it's probably the coolest gift I'll get all year! I also got a book I had been wanting. :) And it's not even Christmas or my birthday!

Okay, I just sort of almost set my cat on fire. More on that later, I have to go. (I swear, you'll laugh when I get the chance to tell the actual story.)

Watching: The Colbert Report.

# posted by aja @ 2:59 AM

Yes, I'm listening to sad and wussy song. Hey, it's not *my* fault that most good songs are sad songs.

I'm up too late again. And my fucking arm hurts from the flu shot I got yesterday. I have a ginormous bruise. Is that supposed to happen? I have no idea. This is my first flu shot.

Oh. The other night, I saw Demetri Martin on The Daily Show. That made me giddy. He is so great.

Did I mention that Emily (she is awesome) called me from the Camper Van Beethoven show and let me listen (live!) to Pictures of Matchstick Men - my most favorite Camper Van Beethoven song ever? It almost brought a tear to my eye. And before you say anything, yes, Take the Skinheads Bowling is a great song, too. It is probably my SECOND most favorite Camper Van Beethoven song. And yes, I know Pictures of Matchstick Men was originally done by some band called Status Quo or something, but I don't care. So don't get all nitpicky on me, I've already heard it.

There really isn't much left to report. Thanksgiving is fast approaching, and I don't really care. We're going to get one of those ready-made pre-cooked boxed Thanksgiving dinners from the grocery store. It will be sad without my grandpa, and I don't even LIKE turkey all that much. So, yeah. Woo-hoo.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do for Christmas or New Year's Eve, but I need to get past Thanksgiving first, I think. 2005 has pretty much sucked ass, and I'll be glad when it's over. So there. Suck it, 2005. I hate you.

audio: firewater - she's the mistake

# posted by aja @ 12:13 AM

I'm not sure how i missed this one, but I find it fascinating. Yes, I am a huge nerd.

I just finished watching Heat for the bazillionth time. I love that movie. I do not love watching it on TNT, though.

The Perfect Storm is on right now. I've never seen it, but I don't think I want to be stuck here until 4pm. I do kind of have a thing for John C. Reilly, though... and I might have a small thing for Clooney, too.

I have to go buy some envelopes today. Specifically, envelopes lined with bubble wrap. I also want to go buy a book or two. I shouldn't spend any money on things I don't need, but fuck it.

I'm so bored and boring right now. But, hey. I'm not hung-over. After re-reading last night's post, I'm surprised. I guess I drank enough water before passing out.

It's time to go do shit.

audio: the walkmen - we've been had

# posted by aja @ 1:21 PM

i'm kind of sort of drunk right now. yet, i thought blogging would be a FINE idea. i'm obviously too bored for my own good. i'm really entertained right now by my typing abilities. i'm pretty fucking awesome.

here's the thing. i was drunk LAST night, too. i must be bored. it's not like i planned on it. i just decided to have one drink.. and then bam. i've had 3 or 4 and i'm blogging.

i woke up this morning with the faint taste of cloves on my lips. did i smoke cloves last night? my ashtray says i did.

what else did i do last night?

when i pried my eyes open this morning, the taste in my mouth told me i made out with a zombie. my aching body told me i was run over by a truck. and my irc/aim logs told me.. NOTHING. because i make a point not to save any conversations from the nights i decide to get drunk on the internet. :P

so here i am. kind of drunk. i'm messaging everyone i know. thankfully, a few people are still awake to entertain me.

seriously, my typing is fucking AMAZING.

i saw my mom tonight. we basically decided that christmas was canceled, and she said she hoped that i'd go out of town around the holidays or hang out with some friends so that she wouldn't feel bad. christmas is for the birds, anyway. when i was a kid, it rocked because it meant presents and at least 2 weeks off from school. i'm an adult now, and it doesn't mean shit. i have no kids to buy presents for. i have plenty of friends i could shop for. too bad i'm fucking broke all the time. i don't know. i'm pretty bitter about the holidays. i thought about driving myself to the grand canyon over christmas. the south rim, of course. that could be pretty great. i think sammy is going to be in town sometime around the holidays, though. i'd hate to miss his visit becuase i decided to go on a lonely adventure to one of the wonders of the world.

i swear, i'm a million times happier than i've been in years. i know you might not believe that, since i'm drunk by myself and bitching about christmas, but it's true. so if i don't seem happy now, think of how i must have been feeling 6 months ago. pathetic, eh?

ANYWAY. i'm completely unhappy with myself right now, yet somehow, completely okay with that. i am not exactly sure what that means riight now, but it's fan-fucking-tastic. seriously.

okay, i don't even know what's going on right now. i'm talking to people online, trying to blog, trying to drink water and listening to interpol.

i should really. really. go to bed.

audio: interpol - public pervert

# posted by aja @ 2:30 AM

i'm sitting here in my pajamas, hating everything.

i hate beer. i hate cigarettes. i hate tv, i hate my house, i hate the internet. yes, even the internet.

i was without internet access for a day and a half. i was twitchy, but now that i have it back.. i'm not sure why i cared so much. i'm not going to check my email, because i never do. why not? i don't know. i check my email about as often as i check my snail mail - every 2-3 days. yeah, i know. i suck.

i'm too apathetic to read the news. i currently do not give a shit. and right now, there's nothing you could say to make me give a shit.

i could read blogs. but seriously, why? i read the blogs of people i know. i read the blogs of people i don't know. at the end of the day, i've gained nothing except a little insight on the goings-on of the friends i don't speak to on a regular basis. and why don't i speak to all of my friends on a regular basis? because i'm a horrible person who cares more about myself than anyone else, and i hate the phone.

most people don't believe me when i say i'm a horrible person. they laugh, as if i'm kidding and claim they could never picture me being mean to a soul on this earth. i think this is because they only see my good intentions. i have great intentions. i don't like being mean. i *want* to do nice things for people. i don't like being so angry. all. the. time. but, i just can't seem to help it.

i am full of so much rage, i don't know where to begin. and no, before you even start, it has nothing (okay, verry little) to do with gabe. i was full of rage before gabe. being with him just gave me something on which to focus all my energy.

most of my anger is directed at myself. i've been fucking up since i was 15 years old, and i can't seem to stop. what pisses me off, is how fucking transparent i am. my dad died when i was 15. i started ruining my life when i was 15. big fucking surprise, and big fucking deal. it's no excuse. plenty of people go through plenty of worse things.

so what do you get when you combine a dead (and alcoholic) father, a drug-addicted mother and a slutty sister? me. i have a love/hate relationship with alcohol and a fear of abandonment. if i could, i'd probably eat vicodin like candy, and i have warped ideas about sex.

did i mention how before i started having sex, i didn't let people touch me? hugs were always awkward, and it felt like people were constantly invading my "personal space." also, i always had nightmares about being raped. yeah, well, that problem is creeping back to the surface. the wellbutrin and the sleeping pills have helped with the nightmares, but i could use a little more help during the waking hours. lately, i'm having this obvious issue of being unable to look people in the eye. maybe i secretly hope that if i avoid looking at other people, they will avoid looking at me.

you'd think that because i seem to be fully aware of at least several of my multiple flaws, i could do something to change things. nope, sorry. it seems i'm stuck. i hate my house. i hate this town. i hate my job. do i do anything about it? no, i just sit here and bitch about daily horrors of working with people i hate, my leaky roof and the hole in my floor. i'm getting really tired of explaining why there is what appears to be a wooden plank in my bathroom. of course, i do get a kick out of telling everyone about the night gabe got drunk and fell through the floor. i told him not to walk there, but he never listened to a word i said for six years.

i could blame a lot of things on gabe if i wanted to. he made me fat, he killed my self-esteem, he made stop going to school. he made me stop talking to my friends. but the truth is, i was fucking up long before him, i hated myself long before him. why do you think i would stay with an asshole for so long? i was/am convinced that he was the best i could get. and if he's the best i can get, well, i'd rather be alone until the day i die. this might sound depressing, but really, i see it as a good thing. i'm fucked up, but not fucked up enough to think that boy has or had anything to offer.

do you remember a few weeks ago when i talked about all those blog posts i never published? well, this is a fine example. however, this time i'm going to publish it because i've had a few beers and couldn't care less about anyone or anything.

i have a lot more to say. but i think this has been enough disgusting and pathetic honesty for one tuesday night.

now, i just have one question.. where the fuck did i get this bottle opener in the shape of a pineapple? if it belongs to you, let me know. you can have it back.

audio: modest mouse - dark center of the universe

# posted by aja @ 9:34 PM